Where there is subtlety, in general, there is good manners. Subtlety has to do with polish, refinement.

Subtlety in the way of holding a cup, a glass, a fork. Subtlety in the way of sitting on the sofa without throwing yourself on it or turning over in bed without disturbing the partner who is there. Subtlety in the way of touching people and objects. Subtlety in the way of closing a friend's car trunk. Subtlety in replacing things exactly where we took them from, in other people's houses, no matter how intimate we are. Subtlety in selecting friendships and the people we will get involved with emotionally. Subtlety in the way of complaining or in the way of telling a truth.

There is nothing more pleasant than being able to say to someone:

  • I don't know if I would like that. And the other person understands that you don't want it in any way, doesn't insist and doesn't ask why. Can you imagine if, to obtain this result, you needed to say:
  • Look here, my friend. I'm not in the mood, do you understand me? Stop insisting.

And, worse, if the specimen of Homo sapiens did not understand words and you needed to resort to physical force in order to be respected! For example, having to lock a room so that the humanoid understands that it is not to enter! Once, I had a secretary who did not respect the closed door of my office. It had to be locked or she would burst into my privacy.

I believe that by comparing with the opposites, the concept of subtlety and its value become clearer, right?
Subtlety is the assistant not leaving for later (Leave it there, I'll do it later.) what his superior requests and, on top of that, forgetting and not doing it.

Subtlety is not borrowing anything, but if you do, returning it soon and in perfect condition. It is not touching other people's books and other objects. It is not putting anything on the other person's desk, and leaving it there, contributing to the confusion or increasing the stress.
Subtlety is being delicate, attentive, careful, gentle, kind. Being subtle is striving not to do anything that might displease others. It is being a cat and not a dog when moving, stepping, bumping and touching.
Being subtle is absorbing and assimilating a polite hint instead of behaving like a stone wall and rejecting the criticism, returning it automatically to defend yourself.

The city of Canela, in Rio Grande do Sul, is very cold in winter. Once, visiting a friend, I stayed two days at her house. She was a very good hostess, as the gauchos usually are. She provided tasty snacks, fragrant bed linen, fluffy towels for the bath. After the shower, she elegantly asked if everything was to my liking. Subtly, I informed her that the shower in the guest room was not heating up and joked that it didn't matter because a cold shower in winter is an excellent benefit for circulation. We were intimate enough for the joke. Imagine my perplexity when I heard her reply:

  • Yeah... but I also had to take a cold shower at your house[1]. We laughed a lot at the reciprocal misfortune and remained friends. But I still carry with me the cruel doubt: could she have been offended? It is atrocious to have to preserve a friendship at the cost of walking on eggs. One thing she lost forever. I will never contribute with constructive criticism again, because I realized that she does not accept it. And I will never use subtleties with her again.

Being subtle is recognizing a mistake that has been pointed out to you by someone else, even when you disagree and think you are right. I have some friends, excellent people, but who are always on the defensive. They never listen and never accept. They need to justify themselves always.

In fact, if we analyze coldly, as coldly as my bath, we need to recognize a definition that states: neurosis consists of having learned wrong, in having assimilated a wrong education. Thus, we can conclude, the ill-mannered is a neurotic. An example is the behavior observed in some cultural strata that learn to not take offense home and, as a result, perhaps take home a black eye, an enmity for the rest of their lives or a criminal lawsuit for assault. There is no question that such people have learned the wrong way to live.

Being subtle is synonymous with being well-mannered, even when the origin is humble, even if one has never read a book of etiquette.

[1] Because she didn't know how the shower with central gas heater worked, with one hot water tap and one cold water tap.

From the book Method of Good Manners,
Professor DeRose, Egrégora Books.