Translation of the book Boas Manerias by Prof. DeRose
Many of the principles of good manners can be based on the theory of living space. This theory explains that every human being has a territorial space around him or her, which varies according to ethnicity, country and education of each person. As a general rule, the more sensitive and educated a person is, the more living space he or she appreciates being given; the less living space he or she occupies.
The living space theory was discovered when a group of scientists observed unseen several pairs of people standing inside an empty room with only two chairs to sit on. While waiting for the experiment to supposedly begin, the subjects would sit down and start talking. It was then discovered, for example, that the British sat at a good distance from each other and could carry on a pleasant conversation for hours. The Italians, however, placed the chairs so close together that their knees almost touched. They soon became excited and argued aggressively.
A person's territorial space is that which he reserves the right to enjoy and, within whose borders, any human being is a persona non-grata. Exceptions are eventually made for friends, relatives and loved ones, provided they know their limits and are restrained in this granted invasion.
Even a loved one, if they stay too long too close will generate discomfort. If this proximity is constant, quarrels arise, which can be triggered for very useless reasons.
Therefore, learn to respect and understand your spousal appendage's need to be alone. Institute conjugal vacations. Consider a Sartrean wedding, each at home. I guarantee you will love each other much more and respect each other much more.
The big problem is that when people are passionate they become attached to each other's lives. When the other is also going through a phase of momentary madness, they accept. Soon the problems start. It is the toothpaste that one likes to squeeze only at the end and the other squeezes carelessly in the middle; it is the bottle of water that one wants to close and the other sees nothing wrong in leaving it open; it is the volume of the music that one likes louder and the other likes it too low; it is the way of undressing and hanging the clothes neatly for one or dropping them inside out and throwing them any way the other can't help ...
None of these reasons would justify arguing with the delighted partner. But any one of them would be enough to motivate a divorce if it happened repeatedly inside your home, the place where you want things your way.
Keep in mind that much of what is called social etiquette is nothing more, nothing less than formal boundary setting. Cultural and ethnic clashes occur when one individual or group of individuals in some way encroaches on or jeopardizes the cultural identity of another.
If you want to preserve a friendship or an affectionate relationship, metabolize this golden rule: the only way to catch someone is to let them go; the best way to lose someone is to restrict their freedom or invade their privacy.
Have you ever heard the expression I want more
? When you know the right time to leave, you let that feeling go and friends will tell you sincerely:
- But are you leaving already? It's early, stay a little longer.
Don't stay! Leave the taste of I want more. This way, you will always be welcome. Impose your presence and you will saturate the hosts who may not invite you again.