What we propose has nothing to do with suppressing rage. The concept of conflict management consists of using intelligence instead of rambling emotion. Suppressing would be preventing the free flow of destructive emotion. Managing conflicts consists of not blocking, but instead directing, channeling, sublimating so that emotions come out, flow freely, but in the direction that best suits us with a view to future results.

My youth was spent on the beaches of Ipanema and Leblon. From childhood we learned not to fight the current. If the current catches us, we must not fight it by swimming towards the mainland. The result would be fruitless; we would end up exhausting our strength and dying drowned. Every good open sea swimmer knows that if he falls into a current he must swim with it, outwards, turn around and only then swim towards the beach. So it is also in human and affective relationships.

When I was younger, my hair was unruly (thank goodness it was just the hair). For years I changed hairdressers, looking for a solution, but all attempts to tame that hair with my own will were frustrated. Until one day an older professional told me not to fight the hair. It's no use combing it backwards, because that's not its nature. Give in to the tendency of the hair and brush it first towards the forehead. Then downwards. And only then, backwards. I did it, and I was perplexed! The hair accepted my command and behaved as I wanted.

These two examples are intended to illustrate that, to win, sometimes it is necessary to know how to give in. Not to repress oneself, but to apply leadership strategies.

I read a lot about dog training to raise my weimaraner daughter. The best method to get a dog to do what you want is to captivate him, and not measure strength with him, yell at him, much less punish or beat him. Somewhere I heard the phrase: man is a dog with an opposing thumb. The trainer was referring to how easy it is to induce a man to do what his girlfriend wants, as long as she knows how to apply the leadership of positive reinforcement. And also because men, like dogs, can't think of more than one thing at a time!

We all want to have things under control. Well, the most rational way that provides the best results is not to play hardball or vomit emotions haphazardly. When one understands that whoever says what they want hears what they don't want, their words and actions become more intelligent.

Imagine an enormous stone, stable at the edge of a ravine. The stone is our emotional plane. While it is there, standing, it gives us the impression that its stability is perennial. However, its position makes it susceptible to rolling downhill. It takes just a small touch, perhaps with the tip of the index finger, to make it lose its apparent stability and plunge down, destroying everything. That's how our emotional works. One moment you are happy and cheerful; the next moment - due to any eventuality - you become furious or saddened.

On the other hand, if the stone begins to oscillate in the position in which it is located, a finger on the other side is also enough to prevent it from starting to roll. This is how our emotional works.

Just one finger is enough to prevent a disaster, as long as it is applied at the right time, before the trigger. Do you remember the story of Peter, the Dutch boy-hero? He saw a crack in the dike and put his little finger to prevent the force of the water from enlarging the hole and eventually breaking the dike. Just one finger, the finger of a creature, was enough to prevent a tragedy.

If you manage to detect a threat of an emotional outbreak just an instant before it breaks out, it will be very easy to avoid that fit of nerves: it will be enough to put your finger in the gap in the dam.

I learned that with my weimaraner. Dogs, like humans, always give signals a second before what they intend to do next. If their guardian delays sending a diversion command, the dog shoots, for example, to cross the street! But if the human perceives the intention in the previous instant and gives the command (stay or no or any other), the educated dog, which has not yet started the action, obeys.

Book: Furry Angels (EN)
Book: Change the world, start with yourself