What we propose has nothing to do with suppressing rage. The concept of conflict management consists of using intelligence instead of rambling emotion. Suppressing would be preventing the free flow of destructive emotion. Managing conflicts consists of not blocking, but instead directing, channeling, sublimating so that emotions come out, flow freely, but in the direction that best suits us with a view to future results.

My youth was spent on the beaches of Ipanema and Leblon. From childhood we learned not to fight the current. If the current catches us, we must not fight it by swimming towards the mainland. The result would be fruitless; we would end up exhausting our strength and dying drowned. Every good open sea swimmer knows that if he falls into a current he must swim with it, outwards, turn around and only then swim towards the beach. So it is also in human and affective relationships.

When I was younger, my hair was unruly (thank goodness it was just the hair). For years I changed hairdressers, looking for a solution, but all attempts to tame that hair with my own will were frustrated. Until one day an older professional told me not to fight the hair. It's no use combing it backwards, because that's not its nature. Give in to the tendency of the hair and brush it first towards the forehead. Then downwards. And only then, backwards. I did it, and I was perplexed! The hair accepted my command and behaved as I wanted.

These two examples are intended to illustrate that, to win, sometimes it is necessary to know how to give in. Not to repress oneself, but to apply leadership strategies.

I read a lot about dog training to raise my weimaraner daughter. The best method to get a dog to do what you want is to captivate him, and not measure strength with him, yell at him, much less punish or beat him. Somewhere I heard the phrase: man is a dog with an opposing thumb. The trainer was referring to how easy it is to induce a man to do what his girlfriend wants, as long as she knows how to apply the leadership of positive reinforcement. And also because men, like dogs, can't think of more than one thing at a time!

We all want to have things under control. Well, the most rational way that provides the best results is not to play hardball or vomit emotions haphazardly. When one understands that whoever says what they want hears what they don't want, their words and actions become more intelligent.

Imagine an enormous stone, stable at the edge of a ravine. The stone is our emotional plane. While it is there, standing, it gives us the impression that its stability is perennial. However, its position makes it susceptible to rolling downhill. It takes just a small touch, perhaps with the tip of the index finger, to make it lose its apparent stability and plunge down, destroying everything. That's how our emotional works. One moment you are happy and cheerful; the next moment - due to any eventuality - you become furious or saddened.

On the other hand, if the stone begins to oscillate in the position in which it is located, a finger on the other side is also enough to prevent it from starting to roll. This is how our emotional works.

Just one finger is enough to prevent a disaster, as long as it is applied at the right time, before the trigger. Do you remember the story of Peter, the Dutch boy-hero? He saw a crack in the dike and put his little finger to prevent the force of the water from enlarging the hole and eventually breaking the dike. Just one finger, the finger of a creature, was enough to prevent a tragedy.

If you manage to detect a threat of an emotional outbreak just an instant before it breaks out, it will be very easy to avoid that fit of nerves: it will be enough to put your finger in the gap in the dam.

I learned that with my weimaraner. Dogs, like humans, always give signals a second before what they intend to do next. If their guardian delays sending a diversion command, the dog shoots, for example, to cross the street! But if the human perceives the intention in the previous instant and gives the command (stay or no or any other), the educated dog, which has not yet started the action, obeys.

Book: Furry Angels (EN)
Book: Change the world, start with yourself

Have you ever heard this? You're right, but that's not the way to go about it. A phrase commonly said to someone who tries to defend themselves or their rights aggressively or rudely.

With education, everything is resolved. By conversing with civility and courtesy, you can achieve negotiations that would otherwise be impossible. When you are emotional, do not respond to anything. Much less in writing. There is a poorly soldered circuit in our brain that leads us to be more polite when we talk eye to eye and to be more uncouth when we write. I am like that too. So, I avoid responding in writing when my blood is boiling. When I need to write, I don't send it. I let my head cool down and the next day I reread what I wrote. I always soften my writing. If I can, I wait longer. If possible, I wait weeks or even months before sending a harsh response. As time passes and as I reread, I soften the text more and more.

There was a letter in which I called the attention of a former supervisee and very dear friend of mine. It took me six months to consider that there was no way to soften it any further. The result was excellent. But when I was young (read: immature), I used to respond in the heat of emotion. With that attitude, I never managed to solve the problems at hand and I also lost good friendships. It is the price you pay for inexperience.

Once, I was doing digital weight training, changing the TV channels, as the male minority usually does. By chance, I came across a program in which a former student of mine, very famous, was being interviewed by another former student, no less celebrated. I stopped to listen to them. The interviewer was being extremely rude to the interviewee. Something so absurd that I don't understand how the program director didn't warn her through the point in her ear. But the interviewee did not lose his elegance and responded with all courtesy to each rudeness of the interviewer. He rose a lot in my concept that day. Until, much later, at the end of the dialogue, the interviewer said, in a sweet voice: But, Paulo, you know I like you very much, don't you? Ready! He had softened her up. Maybe he had captivated her with his good manners.

From the book Change the world, start with you, Professor DeRose, Egrégora Books.

What we propose has nothing to do with suppressing anger. The concept of conflict management consists of using intelligence instead of unbridled emotion. Suppressing would be preventing the free flow of destructive emotion. Managing conflicts consists not of blocking, but of directing, channeling, sublimating, so that emotions come out, flow freely, but in the direction that best suits us with a view to future results.

My youth was lived on the beaches of Ipanema and Leblon. Since we were boys, we learned not to fight against the current. If the current caught us, we should not fight it, swimming towards land. The result would be fruitless. We would end up exhausting our strength and die drowning. Every good open water swimmer knows that if you fall into a current, you should swim with it, outwards, go around, and only then swim towards the beach. This is also the case in human and affective relationships.

When I was younger, my hair was rebellious (thank goodness it was just the hair). For years, I changed hairdressers, looking for a solution, but all attempts to dominate those strands with my own will were frustrated. Until one day, an older professional told me not to fight my hair. There's no point in combing it back, because that's not its nature. Give in to the tendency of the strands and brush them forward first. Then down. And only then, backwards. I did that and I was perplexed! The hair accepted my command and behaved as I wanted.

Sometimes, you have to know when to give in. Don't repress yourself, but rather apply leadership strategies.

I read a lot about dog training to raise my Weimaraner daughter. The best method to get a dog to do what you want is to captivate it, and not to wrestle with it, shout at the poor thing, let alone punish it or beat it. Somewhere I heard the phrase: man is a dog with an opposable thumb. The trainer was referring to how easy it is to induce a man to do what his girlfriend wants, as long as she knows how to apply positive reinforcement leadership. And also because men, like dogs, can't think of more than one thing at a time!
We all want to be in control. Well, the most rational way that provides better results is not to play hardball or vomit emotions haphazardly. When you understand that whoever says what they want, hears what they don't want, your words and actions become more intelligent.

Imagine a huge stone, stable on the edge of a ravine. The stone is our emotional state. While it is there, stopped, it gives us the impression that its stability is perennial. However, its position is susceptible to rolling downhill. Just a small touch, perhaps with the tip of your index finger, to make it lose its apparent stability and descend destroying everything. This is our emotional state. One moment you are happy and cheerful; the next moment - for some eventuality - you become furious or saddened.

However, if the stone starts to oscillate, in the position in which it is, just a finger on the other side is enough to prevent it from falling. This is how our emotional state works.

Just one finger is enough to prevent a disaster, as long as it is applied at the right time, before the triggering. Do you remember the story of Peter, the Dutch boy-hero? He saw a crack in the dike and put his little finger in to prevent the force of the water from increasing the hole and ending up breaking the dam. Just one finger, a child's finger, was enough to prevent a tragedy.

If you can detect a threat of an emotional outburst just an instant before it breaks out, it will be very easy to avoid the tantrum, just put your finger in the gap in the dam.

I learned this with my Weimaraner. Dogs, like humans, always signal in the second before what they intend to do next. If your tutor takes too long to send a diversion command, the dog runs off, for example, to cross the street! But if the human notices an instant before and triggers the command (stay or no or any other), the educated dog, who has not yet started the action, obeys.

Book: Ángeles peludos (ES)
Book: Anjos peludos (PT)
Book: Change the world, start with yourself

We all want to be in control. For the most rational way that provides better results is not to play hardball or vomit emotions haphazardly. When you understand that he who says what he wants hears what he doesn't want, your words and actions become more intelligent.
Imagine a huge rock, stable on the edge of a cliff. The rock is our emotional. While it is there, still, it gives us the impression that its stability is perennial. However, its position is likely to roll downhill.

Just a small touch, perhaps with the tip of your index finger, to make it lose its apparent stability and descend destroying everything. So is our emotional. One moment you are happy and cheerful; the next moment - by any eventuality - you become furious or saddened.
However, if the stone starts to oscillate, in the position in which it is, a finger on the other side is also enough to prevent it from falling. That's how our emotional works.
Just one finger is enough to prevent a disaster, if applied at the right time, before the triggering. Remember the story of Peter, the Dutch boy hero? He saw a crack in the dike and put his little finger to prevent the force of the water from increasing the hole and eventually breaking the dam. Just one finger, a child's finger, was enough to prevent a tragedy.
If you can detect a threat of emotional outburst just a moment before it breaks out, it will be very easy to avoid the tantrum, just put your finger in the gap in the dam.

Book: Change the world, start with yourself

Wanting to justify your actions by blaming some circumstance or person is not a consistent excuse. You will react according to your education, your neuroses, fears, and expectations. To exemplify this, I created the following parable:

Once, a Hindu Master wanted to show that emotional reactions were not due to the events that triggered them, but rather to what each one already carried within themselves. He handpicked three disciples, whose personalities he knew well. He ordered the three to come to the front of the class and kneel before him. He gave each one a strong slap. The first one was indignant and withdrew in anger, saying that the Master had no right to assault him in front of the class. The second one became sad and cried. The third one said, “Thank you, Master!”
The stimulus had been the same: a slap. But the reactions of the three were different: anger, sadness, and gratitude. What is the explanation?
It is that each one responded with what they had within themselves. Whoever had anger, reacted with anger. Whoever had sadness, reacted with sadness. Whoever had gratitude, reacted with gratitude. The important thing is never the fact itself. It is the pretext, it is the excipient[1] to externalize what each one has in their character.

When someone bumps into you and spills your coffee, the primary cause of your coffee being spilled was not the bump, because if you were drinking tea, you wouldn't have spilled the coffee. Every time life gives you a bump, you will spill into the world whatever you have inside your mug.

[1] The excipient is a pharmacologically inactive substance used as a vehicle for the active ingredient.

From the book Change the World, Start with Yourself,
Professor DeRose, Egrégora Books.